What Vegans Actually Eat

(But never put on their Instagrams)

Are you really even vegan if you don’t eat your 15-ingredient smoothie bowl with a wooden spoon?

Instagram can make veganism seem like a never-ending, multicolored bevy of smoothie bowls, avocado toasts with 8,000 different toppings, and jackfruit tacos draped with pea tendrils. But what you see on a screen isn’t real life — smoothie bowls are WEIRD, I’m too LAZY to add toppings to my avo toast, and pea tendrils are SUPER uptight!

Instagram would also have you believe that every day as a vegan means perfectly-yeasty donuts, mozzarella sticks, and chili cheese tater tots. But a breakfast this amazing only happens IN BROOKLYN, people! (I’m serious — you can drool over the Instagrams of Champs Diner and Dun-Well Doughnuts, or you can look at how close they are on Google maps and tell your landlord you’re breaking your lease.)

The truth is, there are millions of vegan grazing occasions that don’t make it to Instagram. Mostly because they’re unappealing, like the cereal from a dispenser at a continental breakfast. Or the already-sticky jelly packets at a continental breakfast.

Such Instagram un-worthy occasions in the life of a vegan include:

1. A family reunion in rural Ohio where “potluck” actually means “pack a sandwich ya freak!”
2. Any event where “appetizers will be served” — code for “welcome to the cult of…