What Extremely Specific Crime You’ll Commit, Based on Your Favorite Faux Meat Brand
Disclaimer: Please do not commit crimes based on Tenderly’s instructions
Impossible Burger
You sabotage an Exxon oil pipeline in the North Pole, costing the company millions of dollars and revealing their illegal drilling projects. In a gross perversion of justice, you are charged by an international tribunal deep in the pockets of big oil. They send you to a CIA blacksite, which you immediately escape.
Charge: Ecoterrorism
Beyond Burger
You, a poor but ambitious grifter, assume the identity of a New York socialite. Through a lucky combination of name-dropping and outright lying, you scam your way into Gwyneth Paltrow’s inner circle. Someone gives you a job as a Hollywood executive, where you produce an award-winning remake of Babe. You are never quite sure if your accomplishments are your own.
Charge: Identity theft
Gardein
At 3 A.M, after winning karaoke with a flawless cover of George Michael’s Faith, you lead a rowdy crowd into the streets for falafel. When the local Pita Pocket is closed, you keep the party alive by throwing a trash can through the…
