The 15 Most Outrageous Animals
Mother Nature is an endless source of wonder and joy, whose intricate and beautiful creations include such glorious beasts as the domestic shorthair and goats. As anyone who’s been fortunate enough to encounter these delightful creatures knows, goats are small bearded cows who are always ready with a friendly smile and a wave, and cats are the tiny brown devils who live under the bed, mostly. Both of these guys are insanely nice and not suspicious at all.
But sadly, that’s not true of Mother Nature’s other contrivances, which are infuriating, un-American, and unacceptable. And all of this is particularly disheartening when you think about the fact that if everyone had just stayed the course, we could be living in a fun, furry paradise with just the right combination of purring and bleating to keep everybody entertained without anybody getting overwhelmed.
But that’s not what happened, and it’s time we talked about it.
African Rain Frogs
African rain frogs look like medium-sized brains with eyes, and they’re wildly judgmental. They are immensely frustrating to think about.
UGH. Don’t get me started on Nicobar Pigeons. These lurid sky squirrels have literally nothing to say unless you remark on their beautiful plumage, then it’s impossible to make them shut up.
The wings of glasswing butterflies look like Tiffany windows that you could gaze at your lover through while you whisper poetry, and their legs look like a bug’s buggy-ass bug legs, which is a deeply aggravating combination.
Rosy Maple Moths
These insufferable moths look like candy and they know it.
STOP LOOKING AT ME, Sunda Colugo. I want to have nothing to do with you until you decide whether you’re a squirrel or a bat.
“Smug” doesn’t even begin to describe these sanctimonious, pontificating blowhards, floating on OUR water like a bucket of Skittles that literally no one asked for.
Beautiful? Yes. Bewitching? Sure. If I had to pick just one slug to take to the prom, would it be this one? Of course. None of that makes this completely irresponsible mixture of fire and slime any less exhausting to contemplate.
These ants make me so tired. They’re not pandas, and they’re actually not even ants from what I can tell, and I certainly didn’t invite them to my party, but here they are.
Imagine being under the sea and coming across one of these etherial beasts and having to explain why you’re wearing board shorts and zinc oxide like some kind of fleshy goon. It’s profoundly upsetting.
Axolotls are always smiling and simpering because they have perfect hair. It’s superficial and inconsiderate.
Never trust someone who only wears a nightgown and refuses to tell you where they keep their mouth.
Irrawaddy Dolphins think you’re funny, but not in a good way. They’re the cetacean equivalent of that one snotty neighbor who’s always like, “Please get out of my pool, Jack. This is private property.”
“Oh, hi. I’m a jabiru stork. I’m wearing a red cravat and affectedly standing on one leg. I live in a nest of sticks that I built myself, and I eat mostly mollusks.” That’s what these guys are like. Every. Single. Day. It’s intolerable.
Maned wolves are actually fine, but their legs are too long in kind of a show-off-y way.
YOUR PROPORTIONS ARE ALL WRONG, GERENUK. Go home, and wake me up when the goats come back.