I Dated a Juggalo Because He Loved Animals

“Zack may have been a Juggalo, but he had a cute face, a parent-free apartment, and a pet iguana and leopard gecko…”

Illustration: Shayna Brewer

Can you successfully keep an animal alive and happy? Do you cherish their company and feel strongly that it rivals, if not exceeds, the comfort of your human companions? Then congratulations! You are automatically entered into my dating pool, no questions asked. Profess your devotion to rescuing bully-breed dogs or even pet a cat once in my line of sight, and being a squatter with a serious cocaine problem instantly becomes a non-issue.

This is how I wound up dating one of the only Juggalos alive in New York City.

For the uninitiated, a Juggalo is a fan of the horrorcore-slash-hip-hop (“hip-hop” a term used very loosely here) duo Insane Clown Posse, as well as the associate acts signed to the artists’ independent record label, Psychopathic Records. Highly misogynistic lyrics glorify violence and objectify women as they promote the idea of ignorance as virtue. Their mascot is a little fellow called the Hatchetman, a dreadlocked, bearded silhouette, head held high, carrying a hatchet in one hand and galloping maniacally.

To call a Juggalo a fan, actually, is a gross understatement. The life of a true…