25 Signs That You Are A Shadow Vegan

When someone asks you where you get your protein, you say “Human Plasma”

Photo: George Shaw / RawPixel

Some people are vegans because of their commitment to universal peace, love, and compassion. Some like to go to morning yoga, drink kale smoothies, and make #healthyvegan Pintrest boards. And some of us spend years agonizing over the aesthetics of taxidermy, debating the ethics of blood magick rituals, and recounting how first hearing Meat Is Murder on college radio turned us into baby teen veggies (though now we do not endorse Morrissey).

We are the Shadow Vegans. And if any of the below resonates with you, you might be a Shadow Vegan too. Welcome to the dark (ish) side!

• You only buy cruelty-free bath bombs if they come in black (Lush Blck Rose 4eva)
• You really wish you could wear black lipstick to your day job now that there are so many cruelty-free options
• You will not stop bringing your Goth Hummus to parties — Halloween is everyday, Karen
• Your Insta feed is 25% cute rescue animal stories, 25% horrific factory farm exposes, and 50% vegan witch accounts
• You railed against the recent upswing in hipsters having backyard chicken coops because that leads to more unwanted and killed roosters but then you saw this…