24 Reasons Why You Should Never, EVER Adopt a Pit Bull

If this doesn’t persuade you, nothing will

Photo: Lucas Carvalho / Unsplash

1. They’re too scary.

Just look at those cold, dead eyes (and try not to think too hard about how perfectly they match that cute dress).

2. They’re always trying to get up in your business.

No, sir, I do NOT have any treats, and that cynical, hardened expression is certainly not going to persuade me to get you some.

3. They will stop at nothing to entice you to snuggle with them.

It’s highly unprofessional.

4. They will kiss your baby.

It gives me no pleasure to say this, but these monsters kiss more babies than a politician.

5. And they will make you kiss them.

God knows you won’t want to, but you will feel like you don’t have a choice.

6. They will devour everything.

Sure, it starts harmlessly with a nummy doggy lollipop, but it’s a slippery slope that ends with licking your face.

7. They will ruin your cat.

She used to be so independent!

8. They have no mercy.

Even if you beg them to stop nibbling on your finger, it will only harden their hearts.

9. They don’t know which way the Wild Turkey Trail is.

This is a highly specific problem with pit bulls, but it can be annoying if you’re on a hike.

10. They take pleasure in their kills.

This stuffy had so much more to give.

11. They’re … gonna getcha!!!

Yes they are! Yes. They are.

12. They will bring you gifts you didn’t ask for.

Did I ask for a puppy in a basket? NO! Do I want one? Of course I do, but it’s the principle of the thing.

13. They will hog all the blankets.

And everyone will have to either snuggle or nap without covers. It’s just astonishingly inconsiderate.

14. They look effortlessly great in a sweater.

Which is obnoxious and unfair.

15. They are EVEN MORE SCARY on Halloween.

Which is already a very scary day, so they are compounding the problem.

16. They make terrible travel companions.

Good luck making conversation with this guy on your road trip.

17. They could be hiding ANYWHERE.

Not to be alarmist, but these masters of disguise and camouflage are so skilled at concealing themselves, that you may have one in your home RIGHT NOW without even realizing it.

18. They are literally IMPOSSIBLE to find.

Masters. Of. Disguise.

19. They are shameless about PDA.

It’s a disgrace, and somebody should call the police about it, frankly.

20. They don’t know how to smize for pictures.

Even the stuffed bear’s better at it.

21. They take themselves too seriously.

Even the most serious-minded among us want to lighten the mood sometimes, but don’t look to the pit bull for help!

22. They will turn the other members of your household against you.

Even your closest allies will flock to their side.

23. They are constantly sleeping on the job.

And probably in your favorite chair.

24. And despite all that, you will come to depend on them.

It’s infuriating, upsetting, and wrong, but there’s honestly nothing to be done about it.

And if you’re somehow not convinced after all that, you can find plenty of adoptable pits on PetFinder or at your local shelter.

Formerly editorial director @BuzzFeed. Currently editor @Tenderly and writer at large. Email: JackAShepherd at gmail

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